Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i need some magic done to my vagina
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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