Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
