I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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