The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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