I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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