Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
