I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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