how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Damn victory sex feels great
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
