Where are you?
In a non slutty way
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
