good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
