apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
