I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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