remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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