last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
