Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
