Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
