I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Everclear isn't food dammit
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
