Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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