Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
