Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
All I want is dick and wine.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
