we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
