i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
