I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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