I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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