I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
