Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
