You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
