it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
