I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
