Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
