Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
