Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
