My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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