She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
