does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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