A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
40s are totally the cure
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
