Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
