I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
