how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Someone came in the potted fern
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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