i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
