I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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