she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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