Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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