2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
