my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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