Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
