sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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