She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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