Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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