im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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